


The Birds and the Bees and the Serpent

by PainInTheAsgardian (Tenshiryuu)



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Clueless demon is clueless, Gen, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:42:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23073403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenshiryuu/pseuds/PainInTheAsgardian
Summary: In which a demon who has been around since The Beginning doesn't actually understand biology.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 100





	The Birds and the Bees and the Serpent

“You know… I haven’t seen any _unicorns_ since the flood.”

Aziraphale looked up from his hummus at the demon’s voice. Crawly was staring off thoughtfully into the distance, the noonday sun turning his curling locks to copper fire. It had been years since the deluge. The waters had long ago receded, humans and animals had once again spread out over the land, and sometimes rainbows could be seen in the sky.

“Did you forget already? One ran off, before they could get it on the ark.” The blond gestured with a bit of flatbread before popping it into his mouth. “ **You** were the one who saw it and called out. So, you know… They only ended up with the one.” Crawly turned to him, gilded eyes wide.

“Yes, but they had _the one_. You don’t think it survived?”

Aziraphale stared at him across the table. Yes, they were Adversaries, and should technically _not_ be chatting amiably over a plate of local delicacies, but it seemed like such a shame to keep a spread like this to himself. The figs were in season, and of course there was hummus. And olives. And cheese. And the demon just happened to be passing through town.

“Even if it did… well.. You can’t get more unicorns with just one.”

“…. You **can’t**?”

Aziraphale nearly choked on one of the perfectly-ripened figs. 

“Of course not. Despite what humans might say, unicorns _aren’t_ magic.” Crawly stared at him, brows furrowed. Aziraphale stared back The demon had been on Earth just as long as he had. He’d been in the _Garden_ , for Heaven’s sake. But… “You. _Erm_. _Ah_. You do know **why** they were bringing two of each animal onto the ark…. Don’t you?” Crawly’s tongue flicked irritably.

“Of _course_ I know that! I’m a demon, not an idiot.” He took a swig of wine. “So they wouldn’t get lonely! They were making sure everyone had a companion. It’d be terribly dreary if there was just **one** of everyone, who would they talk to while riding out that storm? Whole rest of their families, drowned. Still don’t get how that whole thing was your side’s doing. But anyway, least they tried to make sure no one was _completely_ alone.”

Aziraphale decided to try again.

“You know that there’s male and female.”

Crawly nodded. “Among others, yes.”

“… You know **why** there’s male and female? _Ah_ … what do they say… birds and wasps?” He glanced down at the remaining delicacies, eyes falling on the little jar of honey accompanying the meal. “ _Bees_. Birds and bees.”

“Are you drunk _already_? What do birds and bees have to do with it? Anyway, **variety**? Spice things up a little. So they can… Have **fun** , combining parts.” A slight pink tinge colored the sharp edge of his cheekbones. “Even though it’s considered sssinful unless the circumstances are right. Good for my side, but the Almighty really _does_ have a strange sense of humor. If that’s even what you’d call it.”

 _Oh. Oh dear._ Aziraphale took a long drink of his own wine. Were they really having **this** conversation? Did the demon really _not know_? He set the wine down, taking in a deep though technically unnecessary breath. “How… How do you think…” He gestured to the townsfolk and livestock around them. “ _They_ reproduce?”

“ **Ribs**.” Crawly nodded, obviously quite pleased with himself for remembering. “Though that seems _terribly_ inconvenient. You’d think She’d have come up with a better way.”


End file.
